Communication Crossroads – Sending the Message, and actually Getting It Across

By Gladys Barrer

Communication is key in any relationship.

For the relationship to work, we must be able to let the other person know what we think, how we feel, and what we want. A breakdown in communication is an indicator that the relationship has a good chance of falling apart.

It’s important to communicate correctly. We don’t just say whatever we want to say. We have to consider how it will affect the other person. We have to take into account the other person’s feelings and possible reactions. That’s just being thoughtful.

Here are a few ways that can help you grow in your relationship, by simply improving the way you communicate.

CHOOSE YOUR TIMING. When you are angry, it is NOT the best time to have a sensible discussion. The matter may be urgent and needs to be resolved immediately, but having high doses of stress hormones flowing in your veins is not an ideal time to “talk it out”.

Take a short break. Rest for a while and give yourself enough time to calm down. Maybe you can take a walk, or at least take a few deep breaths before you confront the issue.

In the same manner, consider also the other person. Is he or she in an agitated state? Maybe a discussion will not be productive at that time. Make sure that the other person is ready to receive whatever it is you want to communicate. Maybe the next morning, while he or she is more relaxed, would be a better time.

DITCH THE BLAMING. This is not to say the other person has no fault in a bad situation. If somebody did something wrong, surely we need to acknowledge that. What you don’t want is to put the other person on the defensive. That’s what happens when you start blaming.

Focus on discussing the issue and not the action. Try to avoid phrases like “kasi naman ikaw . . . “or “It’s your fault”. If the issue is overspending, then talk about how money should be handled between the two of you, and not about the unnecessary and expensive new car detailing.

USE “I” STATEMENTS.  One way to combat the practice of blaming is to use “I” statements and avoid the “You” pronoun as much as possible. This means you will be mainly talking about yourself, and your perspective about the situation.

When you use I statements, mention how you felt about the issue and the situation. You are supposed to be talking about yourself and not the other person.

A bad example of this kind of statement may be something like “I feel anxious because you never tell me where you are.” This statement squarely blames the other person for how you are feeling, and of course that’s not true. The other person has no control over your feelings. Instead, you may say “I feel anxious when I don’t know if you are safe.”

LISTEN.  Most of the time, we are not really listening when somebody is telling us something. What we are actually doing is waiting for our turn to speak. We take in what is being said and in our mind we are already preparing how we will respond to what we are hearing.

The next time you have a conversation with the other person, Listen to Understand. One way to do this is to start by repeating the key points of what the other person said. If you get that right, the other person will most likely feel that you were really paying attention. Follow that by saying something like “From what you said, I understand that … “, and then say what the other person said in your own words.

Communication is a two way street. But unlike regular streets where you go in two different directions, real communication means you have to meet each other in the middle of the road.